Despite my fiancé moving to another state 15 hours away and despite everything that was going on (or the lack thereof), there were many events and activities that led me to believe he was going to propose. Specifically during the time we were embroiled in heated discussions and debates about him taking a job elsewhere, many distractions to my relationship and potential marriage kept popping up. These distractions came in the form of every ex-boyfriend known from age 15 to 3, popping up out of nowhere.
Must Read: DIY Beauty: The Chocolate Spa DIY Caramel Facial
It was literally like a scene from “Thriller,” as numerous, wayward, scary, non-communicative and emotionally unavailable exes of my past unilaterally reached out to me because “I just happened to pop into their heads and they wanted to know how I was doing.” Word to Ne-Yo, no I don’t just think of you anymore!
I was away one weekend celebrating the birthday of two of my dear girlfriends. My fiancé was at his place in Harlem, packing up his apartment. I was in denial and drinking straight shots of Jack Daniels. I put on a brave face to my friends, acting as if I was ok with his plan to move. My response to the standard, “Are you ok?” was, “Yes, I will be fine. This move is necessary for us to get to the next level of marriage. We need to save money and this job is right on time.” However, I was an emotional wreck.
So you know the devil doesn’t play fair, right?
While in my funk of sadness, denial and intoxication, I get an email from THE EX. Ladies, we all have exes, but then we have THE EX. This may be the ex that you thought you were going to marry, the ex who totally sold you dreams then disappeared, the ex who you cosigned a loan for and he married someone else, the ex who told you he never wanted to get married after dating you for seven years then ended up marrying someone else seven months after you two broke up. Whatever this ex did, however he shaped your perception on relationships, he is always known as THE EX.
Well my THE EX, was perfect (at that time). He was gainfully employed, very successful, funny, the life of the party, giving and ALL of my friends liked him. We met through a mutual friend, he saw my photo in her photo album (yes this was before digital cameras) and he instantly asked to meet me. She called me one evening and told me that her friend would be calling me in 15 minutes.
By her description, he was ready to settle down and he was a good guy. He called me exactly 15 minutes later and my stupid ass fell in love immediately. We talked on the phone for hours at a time. Weeks later when my girlfriend was coming to visit, he asked if he could come along as well so we could finally meet face to face. OH MY SWEET JESUS, I am in LOVE!!! We hit if off instantly.
Must Read: 4 Tips To Getting A Job Via Social Media
He told me I was his destiny. He told me he loved me first. He would send huge bouquets of flowers for no reason. He would fly me to visit whenever I asked and he would come to visit me often as well. I met his family, his best friends, etc. It was textbook, one-way, the fast track to marriage. I had even picked out my ring in preparation of the day he would ask me.
UNTIL…
I flew to visit him over one particular Labor Day weekend. Before I boarded the plane, he called to tell me to be safe and that he loved me. When I got there, he had a lot of work to do, which I totally understood because his schedule was set a while ago. However, something was “off.” He wasn’t his jovial self. He shied away from my hugs and embraces and was just acting weird.
Later that night, I asked him if anything was wrong. He said “no.” I asked him again 20 minutes later and he simply said, “I am not ready for this. I thought I was ready for a relationship, for marriage, but I am not. I do not want to hurt you by doing something that I will regret. You deserve better.” I was crushed! I didn’t ask any questions, I simply started crying, gathered my things and slept in the guest room.
I had already made plans to drive to a neighboring city to visit friends, so the next day after crying myself to sleep, I woke up and went into his bedroom. I informed him that I would be leaving, asked him for a ride to get my rental car and went silent. I felt like a failure. For the first time in over six years I allowed myself to open up to someone since my long term college relationship. How could I have let my guard down? How did I let this get so far, so fast and without out noticing any signs that “this ain’t it?” The dreams I had made for myself were gone.
He dropped me back to his house so I could pack and he left. In between sobs, I packed my bags, got into the car and literally cried for the next six months. I lost weight and I prayed for this man to come back to me, I was a certified mess.
Looking back on things, I later realized that years after we broke up, I got into relationships and situations with unavailable men because I secretly wanted this man to come back to me and also used these men as a defense mechanism. I sabotaged all of my relationships for the next five years.
He later on went to marry someone else and had two kids. We have mutual friends, so out of respect I never asked about him or his family. Whenever we would run into each other (even with his wife present), I did him a favor and acted like we didn’t know each other. I had to get over him and this relationship failure fast!
Must Read: Natasha R.W. Eldridge Champions Being A Wife, Mother & CEO [EXCLUSIVE VIDEO]
I eventually did get over him and over myself for feeling like I failed. I looked at that relationship as a lesson. A lesson to take your time in getting to know someone and also a lesson in the process that is life. So imagine my confusion 8 years later once I am on the road to getting engaged to someone else and here he comes–THE EX.
It started with a LinkedIn request. Ok, sure. Granted. Then came the endorsements on LinkedIn. Then came the emails from LinkedIn. Is this ninja stalking me on LinkedIn? The emails started out with inquiring about my work, the strides I had made in my profession, etc. Then the emails became so frequent, as did the endorsements, that I had to finally ask him, “What do you want?”
It was time to face him, this past relationship, this elephant in the room. As much as I wanted to avoid him, I had to face this evil spirit, THE EX. He finally emailed me on my personal email account, basically apologizing. Here I am, about to get engaged and THE EX wants to apologize after damn near eight years?
What part of the game is this? He apologized for being a “f*&k boi” (he is from Florida where that term was utilized a lot). He apologized for just disappearing. He apologized for “giving up the very thing he always wanted and always needed” and that was me. I thanked him for the apology and told him not to feel bad. This happened years ago, it was a life lesson and he has a story for his daughters when they ultimately suffer their first heart break.
That lesson being “They will get over it and they will be fine.” I also told him that I do not harbor any ill will towards him and if he and his family ever come to New York, by all means call me, I would love to meet them and be hospitable.
Some weeks passed. I ended up getting my ring from my fiancé. I am good.
THE EX reaches out again to inform me that he is getting a divorce. The irony. THE EX, who totally changed the way I viewed relationships, who broke my heart to smithereens was announcing his divorce, while I was announcing my engagement.
My best friend’s father would always tell us this little nugget about men who have either broken our hearts or done us wrong: “He got to come back by you.” I never truly understood what that meant until THE EX came back by me, to tell me that he let go of the exact thing he desired (me, a hard working woman who values family) and that he was sorry.
More than anything his declaration eight years later made me realize a lot. The most important thing I got from our last conversation was recognizing both the best thing I could have done when my heart was broken and also admitting how my actions were not aligned to my desires when I suffered heart break.
What I learned was that I have to pursue what’s golden to me and that is love, respect, dedication and communication. I am so thankful for the lessons and the love that ultimately came by me and stayed, even when I had to wait on it.
About the Author: She holds multiple degrees, is a natural born socialite, a business owner, an extreme exerciser of faith and a realist. After 3 years of dating and a year of being engaged, she is ready to tell the truth about what to expect when you are transitioning from being a single woman with no worries to a future wife. For the sake of these articles, let’s just call her Nina. After all, that was here “Club Name” for over 15 years….so yeah, introducing Nina.
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From Bachelorette To Bride & Everything In Between: Why The ‘Walk Of Shame’ Is No More!
From Bachelorette To Bride & Everything In Between: ‘Where Is My MUTHAF@$?&@$ Ring ?!’
Check Out This Gallery Of Celebrities Who Made It Last!
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Despite my fiancé moving to another state 15 hours away and despite everything that was going on (or the lack thereof), there were many events and activities that led me to believe he was going to propose. Specifically during the time we were embroiled in heated discussions and debates about him taking a job elsewhere, many distractions to my relationship and potential marriage kept popping up. These distractions came in the form of every ex-boyfriend known from age 15 to 3, popping up out of nowhere.
Must Read: DIY Beauty: The Chocolate Spa DIY Caramel Facial
It was literally like a scene from “Thriller,” as numerous, wayward, scary, non-communicative and emotionally unavailable exes of my past unilaterally reached out to me because “I just happened to pop into their heads and they wanted to know how I was doing.” Word to Ne-Yo, no I don’t just think of you anymore!
I was away one weekend celebrating the birthday of two of my dear girlfriends. My fiancé was at his place in Harlem, packing up his apartment. I was in denial and drinking straight shots of Jack Daniels. I put on a brave face to my friends, acting as if I was ok with his plan to move. My response to the standard, “Are you ok?” was, “Yes, I will be fine. This move is necessary for us to get to the next level of marriage. We need to save money and this job is right on time.” However, I was an emotional wreck.
So you know the devil doesn’t play fair, right?
While in my funk of sadness, denial and intoxication, I get an email from THE EX. Ladies, we all have exes, but then we have THE EX. This may be the ex that you thought you were going to marry, the ex who totally sold you dreams then disappeared, the ex who you cosigned a loan for and he married someone else, the ex who told you he never wanted to get married after dating you for seven years then ended up marrying someone else seven months after you two broke up. Whatever this ex did, however he shaped your perception on relationships, he is always known as THE EX.
Well my THE EX, was perfect (at that time). He was gainfully employed, very successful, funny, the life of the party, giving and ALL of my friends liked him. We met through a mutual friend, he saw my photo in her photo album (yes this was before digital cameras) and he instantly asked to meet me. She called me one evening and told me that her friend would be calling me in 15 minutes.
By her description, he was ready to settle down and he was a good guy. He called me exactly 15 minutes later and my stupid ass fell in love immediately. We talked on the phone for hours at a time. Weeks later when my girlfriend was coming to visit, he asked if he could come along as well so we could finally meet face to face. OH MY SWEET JESUS, I am in LOVE!!! We hit if off instantly.
Must Read: 4 Tips To Getting A Job Via Social Media
He told me I was his destiny. He told me he loved me first. He would send huge bouquets of flowers for no reason. He would fly me to visit whenever I asked and he would come to visit me often as well. I met his family, his best friends, etc. It was textbook, one-way, the fast track to marriage. I had even picked out my ring in preparation of the day he would ask me.
UNTIL…
I flew to visit him over one particular Labor Day weekend. Before I boarded the plane, he called to tell me to be safe and that he loved me. When I got there, he had a lot of work to do, which I totally understood because his schedule was set a while ago. However, something was “off.” He wasn’t his jovial self. He shied away from my hugs and embraces and was just acting weird.
Later that night, I asked him if anything was wrong. He said “no.” I asked him again 20 minutes later and he simply said, “I am not ready for this. I thought I was ready for a relationship, for marriage, but I am not. I do not want to hurt you by doing something that I will regret. You deserve better.” I was crushed! I didn’t ask any questions, I simply started crying, gathered my things and slept in the guest room.
I had already made plans to drive to a neighboring city to visit friends, so the next day after crying myself to sleep, I woke up and went into his bedroom. I informed him that I would be leaving, asked him for a ride to get my rental car and went silent. I felt like a failure. For the first time in over six years I allowed myself to open up to someone since my long term college relationship. How could I have let my guard down? How did I let this get so far, so fast and without out noticing any signs that “this ain’t it?” The dreams I had made for myself were gone.
He dropped me back to his house so I could pack and he left. In between sobs, I packed my bags, got into the car and literally cried for the next six months. I lost weight and I prayed for this man to come back to me, I was a certified mess.
Looking back on things, I later realized that years after we broke up, I got into relationships and situations with unavailable men because I secretly wanted this man to come back to me and also used these men as a defense mechanism. I sabotaged all of my relationships for the next five years.
He later on went to marry someone else and had two kids. We have mutual friends, so out of respect I never asked about him or his family. Whenever we would run into each other (even with his wife present), I did him a favor and acted like we didn’t know each other. I had to get over him and this relationship failure fast!
Must Read: Natasha R.W. Eldridge Champions Being A Wife, Mother & CEO [EXCLUSIVE VIDEO]
I eventually did get over him and over myself for feeling like I failed. I looked at that relationship as a lesson. A lesson to take your time in getting to know someone and also a lesson in the process that is life. So imagine my confusion 8 years later once I am on the road to getting engaged to someone else and here he comes–THE EX.
It started with a LinkedIn request. Ok, sure. Granted. Then came the endorsements on LinkedIn. Then came the emails from LinkedIn. Is this ninja stalking me on LinkedIn? The emails started out with inquiring about my work, the strides I had made in my profession, etc. Then the emails became so frequent, as did the endorsements, that I had to finally ask him, “What do you want?”
It was time to face him, this past relationship, this elephant in the room. As much as I wanted to avoid him, I had to face this evil spirit, THE EX. He finally emailed me on my personal email account, basically apologizing. Here I am, about to get engaged and THE EX wants to apologize after damn near eight years?
What part of the game is this? He apologized for being a “f*&k boi” (he is from Florida where that term was utilized a lot). He apologized for just disappearing. He apologized for “giving up the very thing he always wanted and always needed” and that was me. I thanked him for the apology and told him not to feel bad. This happened years ago, it was a life lesson and he has a story for his daughters when they ultimately suffer their first heart break.
That lesson being “They will get over it and they will be fine.” I also told him that I do not harbor any ill will towards him and if he and his family ever come to New York, by all means call me, I would love to meet them and be hospitable.
Some weeks passed. I ended up getting my ring from my fiancé. I am good.
THE EX reaches out again to inform me that he is getting a divorce. The irony. THE EX, who totally changed the way I viewed relationships, who broke my heart to smithereens was announcing his divorce, while I was announcing my engagement.
My best friend’s father would always tell us this little nugget about men who have either broken our hearts or done us wrong: “He got to come back by you.” I never truly understood what that meant until THE EX came back by me, to tell me that he let go of the exact thing he desired (me, a hard working woman who values family) and that he was sorry.
More than anything his declaration eight years later made me realize a lot. The most important thing I got from our last conversation was recognizing both the best thing I could have done when my heart was broken and also admitting how my actions were not aligned to my desires when I suffered heart break.
What I learned was that I have to pursue what’s golden to me and that is love, respect, dedication and communication. I am so thankful for the lessons and the love that ultimately came by me and stayed, even when I had to wait on it.
About the Author: She holds multiple degrees, is a natural born socialite, a business owner, an extreme exerciser of faith and a realist. After 3 years of dating and a year of being engaged, she is ready to tell the truth about what to expect when you are transitioning from being a single woman with no worries to a future wife. For the sake of these articles, let’s just call her Nina. After all, that was here “Club Name” for over 15 years….so yeah, introducing Nina.
LIKE HelloBeautiful On Facebook!
Related Stories:
From Bachelorette To Bride & Everything In Between: Why The ‘Walk Of Shame’ Is No More!
From Bachelorette To Bride & Everything In Between: ‘Where Is My MUTHAF@$?&@$ Ring ?!’
Check Out This Gallery Of Celebrities Who Made It Last!
