Watching “Love & Hip Hop Atlanta” Monday night brought back memories of a time in my relationship when things weren’t so good. You know what I mean, when everything your partner does is bothersome. The way they breathe is suddenly louder, they chew harder and they laugh at jokes you don’t even find funny. You’re just annoyed with them for every reason you fell in love with them in the first place. In particular, like most long-term relationships, my past came into play and even though it was years ago, it was fresh news and the wounds brand new.
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We just couldn’t get along, but loved each other too much to let go. Despite our dependent hearts, something just didn’t feel right. As sure as I am that you all know this, let me reiterate–a woman’s intuition is not an old wives’ tale, it’s real and when females get that gut feeling, it’s louder than a Justin Bieber concert! It seems, we can’t help but act on it and that’s where I was. Him–drunk on the couch–because, of course he came in super late and how could I blame him? It’s like we didn’t like each other, so why be around each other.
His phone peeked out of his pocket. It had one percent battery life. But, I had an idea. If I put it on the charger just long enough to go through it, it would die after I put it back where he left it and all the missed notifications wouldn’t be there, but that’s normal when you turn your iPhone back on. (Yeah, I thought that far and deep!) Ugh, I’m so ashamed, I really contrived a master plan just to be sneaky. But, being sneaky is just that. I listened to his sleeping pattern because the last thing I wanted to do was get caught! I told myself if I found anything, I wouldn’t even mention it. I just needed to know, to prove my sanity.
Eventually, after waiting for him to snore as reassurance, I put my plan into action, plugged up his phone until it hit four percent and hid under the covers scrolling from screen to screen. Messages, phone calls, I even went to his photos to make sure there weren’t and nudies! I didn’t find anything. Smile. Wait. On the last screen was an app I didn’t even know he had. InstaDM. My heart fluttered. I knew “it” was there. Whatever “it” was, I didn’t know, but it was exactly where my intuition was guiding me by the hand.
There was a conversation with a female, we both know very well (who lives moments away) popped up. In his drunken stupor, he and Shelly (I’ll call her) flirted about things I dare not speak about with any other man that isn’t my own. It wasn’t evidence that he’d slept with another woman, but cheating isn’t only physical. In fact, a lot of women feel the emotional connection is much worse than the one-night-stand aspect. It burned nonetheless. Thinking about him with her and even her pleasing him. That’s my job, that’s my man!
I cursed him as he slept under those blankets in the living room, far away from me. I felt like there was a cloak separating me from my flailing relationship. The moment you find something you’ve gone looking for, it’s bittersweet. You’re not crazy but, dammit, you wish the unforgiving sting of pain would go away.
Remember how I said I wouldn’t mention it? Well I didn’t, for all of that night. Who was I kidding, I snapped a photo of the convo and sent it to myself as a reminder. I sent it to him the next morning when I was at work. I couldn’t admit to his face that I snooped. I didn’t really think that part mattered anyway. There shouldn’t be anything to find! I paid close attention to the topic of their dialogue. What was he asking for? And why wasn’t he getting it from me? Note taken.
Men have this irresponsible tendency to flip situations and make you out to be the bad guy. Not this time. He apologized after pulling that whole “you went through my phone” victim crap. As much as women huff and puff, sometimes all we want is a simple “I’m sorry” (explanation, praise and “I won’t ever do it again”). I didn’t leave him because I was the reason we were in that sour place. Hey, every girl’s journey is different.
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I am not ashamed to admit that I am a repeat offender. That wasn’t the first time I picked up his mobile device without him knowing. And every time I did, I found something which gave me ammunition to keep searching. Some occasions were worst than others.
It spawned this thought in my head about just how invested we are into our phones. Our whole lives are on there. Our appointments, private conversations, captured moments and musical selections. Living with a man is different from just dating him. There is one space and under that umbrella is a venn diagram. His space, my space and our space–where it overlaps. I learned how essential it is to remain an individual in a duo. That’s what going through your significant other’s phone does–reduces their individuality and offsets the power. Sure, you may discover a skeleton if you go digging, but there’s a bigger issue.
Where I once felt unsympathetic for violating his personal space, was a reconsidered notion that if we wanted to build trust, I’d have to respect that if he decided to cheat–it was bigger than me. I learned to accept that if my man could be taken away, he wasn’t mine to being with. Thus, going through his phone was pointless.
That wasn’t the last time though. Despite my revelation, I’m human and curiosity is like tug-of-war. (And I’m the smaller contender!) When he came home drunk again, I followed my well-thought-out routine to a “T.” But, to my surprise, I didn’t find one damn scintillating thing! It could have been timing, maybe he deleted it all before he got home, but that moment of clarity did something for me. I haven’t gone through his phone since and I have come so far, I wouldn’t want to anymore.
Editor’s note: I’ve been clean for months!
I don’t recommend going through your man’s phone, nor do I think you should avoid it. I think everyone has to figure out their relationship on their own. But, I know one thing. If you go looking, you will find something.
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