CHICK CHAT: In Matters Of Friendship Are You Judging Or Being Judged?

I was lollygagging at work dreading my commute home when my fellow 9-to-5’er, Danielle Young told us a story about one of her roommates. Her roommate confided in her about her loser boyfriend. She finally got the strength to kick the John to the curb, but before Danielle could get through a commercial break of “Scandal,“ guess who she saw walking into the apartment?

“Hey girl,” Danielle’s roomie’s loser boyfriend said to her as he walked into their apartment. Danielle was kind of surprised. She knows, most women find it easy to take their loser boyfriends back. While she didn’t want to judge her roommate, she evoked a right that not many would. Danielle told her, “You cannot come back to me and complain about him anymore. I don’t want to hear about it anymore. ”

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When she said that, I was taken back. From her vantage point, I get it. Who wants to hear a Jane complain about a no-good John, and then two seconds later they’re boo’d up again? It gets old. It’s annoying and shows that you’re full of prunes.

But as the girl who has taken them back and complained about them, I couldn’t help but feel…a way, almost like she was talking about me. When it comes to men, my dating history isn’t the best. But I’ve been ashamed of my decisions not because I thought they were wrong, but because I knew I would get the side eye from my girls.

To avoid the topic entirely, I would just lie and fake to my friends like I was completely over whichever man had my heart and mind at the time. When they weren’t looking, I’d sneak a text and try to suppress a smile when they replied with something remotely sweet or endearing.

“So have you heard from so-and-so? ” Von, my best friend would ask.

“Girl, I let that boy go. I ain’t got nothing for him.”

FALSEHOODS.

Being a woman isn’t easy by any means, but the cliché is, being a Black woman means you’re bulletproof! You should be strong enough to walk away from a bad situation, wise enough to know he’s no good for you and confident enough to realize you’ll find better. But the truth of the matter is, we’re not all that strong! We’re not all that confident and we’re damn sure not all that wise. At least I know I’m not all the time.

Captain Obvious is about to make a cameo appearance here, but dammit being strong isn’t easy! And sometimes we women get weak and then to have the disappointing look of judgment from our girls to add-on top of it…I can’t! A lot of times, just trying to successfully get through a Monday tests your strength and for some women, the reward is that not-so-great guy you allowed back into your life who isn’t acting up for once. Y’all can sit here and judge me if you want to, but it’s the truth, or at least has sometimes been my truth.

I’m not condemning Danielle for not wanting to hear about the constant foolery of her roommate’s boyfriend, especially if all her roommate is going to do is just cozy back up with him. She’s well within her rights. But I can’t pretend like I haven’t been that girl either.

Maybe her roommate will always be with loser guys. Maybe one day her roommate will wake up and realize she’s much better off without him. I don’t know what the solution is, but for me, a side eye from my judgmental girls didn’t stop me from taking him back. It was only when I opened my eyes to see him for what he really was, that things changed.

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