CHICK CHAT: Both Cheating & Beating Cause Scars, So Why Does Physical Abuse Get More Of Our Attention?

Why doesn’t society paint emotional abuse to be as intolerable and unacceptable as physical abuse?

I recently started recalling all the instances of friends and loved ones who had been in either physically and/or emotionally abusive relationships and I replayed the dynamics in my head. It seemed as though my three girlfriends who had been in physically violent love affairs were always encouraged by their family and friends (myself included) to leave immediately. We hurt with them and cried with them and begged them to leave because they deserved better and the sight of their suffering was painful.

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And then there were those who endured emotional abuse—from name calling in the heat of every argument, to possessive controlling, to serial cheating and making babies outside the relationship. While we did encourage them to escape, our sense of urgency just wasn’t the same. One time in particular, after I gave a long spill to my home girl about how she needed to just leave her man instead of complaining about his frequent creeps, she told me “Girl, your expectations are too high. Men will be men and as long as he’s not beating me, I’m good.” I didn’t get how she was “good” because she was always crying about yet another side piece, but the rest of our clique seemed to agree with her, as one said, “Well at least he pays the bills.” Though I strongly disagreed with the whole “men will be men” mentality, I surrendered my argument because I knew my point of view was part of a losing battle.

It was an all too familiar way of thinking, even though I didn’t realize it then. My other good friend’s mother would go through many days sorrowful because of the way her husband treated her. And when her daughter, my friend, grew up and went to her mother with her own relationship troubles, her mom often reminded her, “Men will be men. You just have to give them time. He’ll settle down one day.” The difference between what was acceptable regarding physical violence and emotional abuse was vast and still is.

We’ve seen so many live examples, like Emily and Fab, Chrissy and Jim Jones, Kobe and Vanessa Bryant, and the list goes on. A woman is honored for being a “ride or die” and sticking by her man, even when he repeatedly runs around with other chicks, refuses to publicly acknowledge his relationship, or completely disregards the fact that his other half sincerely wants to be married. But aren’t those things just as bad? I get that it’s hard to compare because emotional hurt doesn’t leave detectable scars, but in essence, disrespect is disrespect, regardless if it’s emotional or physical. In the specific case of cheating, your partner not only jeopardizes your feelings, but also jeopardizes your physical health. So why is it not as horrific like it would be if he were to strike you?

Thinking about all of this reminded me of the Iyanla, Fix My Life episode with Eveylyn Lozada. The controversial reality star who once gave her ex-husband Chad Johnson permission to cheat, as long as he informed her and used protection, ended up filing for divorce when he head-butted her, causing a bleeding laceration that required stitches. Lozada admitted to Iyanla that up until the head-butt, she ignored Johnson’s affairs and his aggressive behavior. When Iyanla asked Lozada, “What was the deal breaker?” regarding the last instance, she replied, “For me, it was that I had visible wounds.” Evelyn, like so many other women, had no issue tolerating emotional and mental violations, therefore minimizing the severity of mental abuse. But when the violation turned physical, the issue was magnified and severe enough to leave the relationship.

My personal theories on this common mindset are that 1), we as a society place significantly higher esteem on the physical appearance than we do the emotional well-being; 2) society also dismisses male verbal abuse and infidelity as normal characteristics of their “masculine” makeup. And while it would be so much easier and soothing to our egos to place all the blame on men, it’s partly our fault because we ultimately determine what we will and will not accept. Cheating and disregard for your emotions are not results of “men being men.” Those are behaviors of boys who haven’t yet matured. Men will step to the plate and be real men who treasure our physical and nurture our emotional, when we as women demand it.

Do you think emotional abuse and physical abuse are one in the same?

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